Sept. 13, 2012

Mise en scene (French) = telling a story.

In some respects, I consider myself a Muse: hence, “Muse en scene.” The Sharon Stone movie The Muse was absolutely wonderful! She inspired all these people, and then, at the end, she was taken away in a straight jacket by mental hospital personnel. Ha ha! That’s super funny to me considering my history.

As a child I loved horse books and the Little House series. I wanted to have a baby.I was also a tomboy: rough and tough.

More from Tami Hoag: it’s easy to be a victim and to keep dwelling on the tragedies of your life. Continuous self-flagellation. The tough thing is to climb out of it. Don’t diminish the importance of the tragedies in your life: they are some of the key moments of your life. But let go and start moving up out of the pit of despair.

At night I am full of heavy, intense emotions. In the morning I am indifferent, empty (in the Buddhist state of nothingness).
In Bella Tuscany Frances Mayes writes

…I’ve begun to descend into what I’ve come to call traveller’s melancholy, a profound displacement that occasionally seizes me for a few hours when I am in a foreign country. The pleasure of being the observer suddenly flips over into a disembodied anxiety. During its grip, I go silent. I dwell on the fact that most of those I love have no idea where I am and my absence among them is unremarkable; they continue their days indifferent to the lack of my presence. Then an immense longing for home comes over me… Why am I here where I don’t belong? What is this alien place? I feel I’m in a strange afterlife, a haint blowing with the winds. I suspect the subtext to this displacement is the dread of death. Who and where are you when you are no one?

Pema Chodron’s most recent email message is about this very thing:

YOUR FIXED IDENTITY

In Buddhism we call the notion of a fixed identity “ego clinging.” It’s how we try to put solid ground under our feet in an ever-shifting world. Meditation practice starts to erode that fixed identity. As you sit, you begin to see yourself with more clarity, and you notice how attached you are to your opinions about yourself. Often the first blow to the fixed identity is precipitated by a crisis. When things fall apart in your life, you feel as if your whole world is crumbling. But actually it’s your fixed identity that’s crumbling. And as Chögyam Trungpa used to tell us, that’s cause for celebration.

There are two of me (and of most people). There’s my inner self and my social, outer-world self. When I talk to people, I have to conform to the outer-world; I have to conform to Neuro-typical rules and norms. Within my personal, inner-world, I am an Aspie (person with Asperger Syndrome).

After all day in town, by 3 or 4 pm I’m ready to go back to my camp in the woods. I can hear the birds in the trees, dogs barking, people walking on the trail, and people at their houses over on Del Oro. I am hidden out in nature yet not far away from the human environment.

I go to the gym and wash my clothes in the shower. Then, I just put them on and wear them. The summer weather here is quite divine.

When we are afraid, we cling to even the illusion of safety. I read this somewhere.

I am studying owls. Great horned owls can be 2 1/2 feet tall and can catch skunks and cats!

It takes me about 2 minutes max to take my bedding out of my backpack (which I’ve been leaving at camp, hidden) and set up my bed. It’s just a tarp, a rain fly from my last tent, and my sleeping bag. Very nice.

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