Sept. 15, 2012

Often, these days, I’m really really happy. And I don’t want to believe it. I try to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. What is this fight against believing I can be truly happy?

I am enjoying food more than I ever have in my life. Now, after indulging my every gastronomic whim (within economic reason) for the first two weeks of September, I have about $50 left until the end of the month. This enforced fasting (which happens for part of every month) keeps my weight within reason. I’m about 5’6″ now (I’ve shrunk about 3/4″ with age), and I weigh about 165 lbs. Not bad. With age I am becoming more and more hedonistic. It’s wonderful!

I am so uptight in public. It has a lot to do with my Aspergers and a lot to do with my “problems” with men (I often can’t tolerate them; I see them as hugely egotistical). I have learned that most of my inter-personal problems are inner problems I have with myself (self-hatred, etc.).

Dad was from the Old World-culture of Europe. I was steeped in it. I haven’t recognized this until now.

Tami Hoag (mystery writer) wrote that the instincts we are born with protect us; society then teaches us manners which drum all those protective instincts out of us, making us very vulnerable to things/people who would harm us.

Non-travelling (settled) Gypsies don’t interest me. I am interested in travelling people, nomads.

EVERY day I spend some time planning my next trip (or the one after that!).

I read recently that I ought to find people who CELEBRATE me, who don’t merely tolerate me. This is great advice.

As an Aspie (person with Asperger Syndrome), I don’t play “games,” I tell the truth (often ruthlessly), I don’t “do” small talk, and I don’t play politely.

I am working on: No anger (without very good reason) and No pride (self-respect is something else).

In the largely unnotable book Bella Tuscany, Frances Mayes writes:

Who am I in the new place?…it’s a new world. It can be dangerous to travel. A strong reflecting light is cast back on ‘real life,’ sometimes a disquieting experience.

Many travel articles and books, says Mayes (author of the wonderful Under the Tuscan Sun), don’t mention negatives — like poverty.

…the passionate traveller looks for something. what? … Change — the transforming experience — is part of the quest in travelling.

During pur travels, we must, she continues, suspend the rush to judgement and comparison:

Travel can reinforce the primitive urge to bring the new into the circle of the known.

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