Sept. 30, 2012

Scorpios watch their inner life, in addition to the outer world and other people. Above is demi-breast pic of me watching my inner life (it’s up in the trees). I pushed my breast up with my hand to get this picture (which I love). How many pics of old(er) women, like this one (above), do you see? I’ll tell you: almost NONE.

Some famous woman author wrote that if she’d had breasts (big boobies), her life would have been totally different.

I am sure all male-dominated societies have rules to keep old women in line. One is: don’t show the fat on your upper arms; cover it up. Another is: you are not sexy; you are not allowed to be sexy, or look sexy, or think sexy thoughts, or–God forbid!–act on any sexy feelings you may have. In general, we are supposed to keep quiet, be inconspicuous, and stay out of the way, And be helpful, if possible.



A coyote barked at me as I was packing up this morning. I heard it earlier, settling down in the woods near me; then, when I started rustling around, the coyote got scared and barked for about 15 minutes, telling all his/her friends what was going on. He left the area.

When the night begins, the owls start hooting (last night at 7:07 pm); in the morning, they are the last wild sounds I hear before the songbirds start singing.

New bed-space at Pratt Trail camp. Sept. 2012


Ojai is my “Bouncing Pad.” It’s where I sometimes come to settle down after long travels and to prepare for new travels.

As a teenager, I used to go to the high school dances in the gymnasium. “Sock hops,” we called them. I never (I mean never) got asked to dance. I was a Wallflower; I was a geek, nerd.

My German adoptive parents’ sense of extreme order and discipline was outrageous. I, of course, totally absorbed it and passed it on to my kids.

I am going to start being more straightforward; since spending so much time outside the Northeast, I have forgotten the wonderfulness of people being very direct. Now, when I don’t like people, I am just going to tell them, “I don’t like you.” Thank you, Gabriella Hamilton (author of Blood, Bones and Butter) for reminding me of  this one of the many joys of the Northeast coast.

I am living a life of my own choosing.

Society says: “Be nice.” I say, “Be real; be honest.”

As a mother, I threw away conventional social status for adventure.


Asperger Syndrome

While both males and females with Asperger Syndrome (and autism in general) are theorized to have a “male (-type) brain,” Williams Syndrome people are thought (by some people) to have a “female (-type) brain.” See below:

Overly friendly (excessively social) personality 
Individuals with Williams syndrome have a very endearing personality. They have a unique strength in their expressive language skills, and are extremely polite. They are typically unafraid of strangers and show a greater interest in contact with adults than with their peers.
Aspies are described like this (Simon Baron-Cohen is a famous researcher in the field of autism):
Low-empathizing, high-systemizing: That, in a nutshell, is Baron-Cohen’s theory of what characterizes autism. Those traits span the autism spectrum, from people who are mute and unable to function to people who find a niche in society. Moreover, Baron-Cohen’s theory embeds this autism spectrum firmly in a much larger two-dimensional continuum—one that includes all of us. The essential difference between men and women, according to Baron-Cohen, is that women are better at empathizing and men at systemizing—on average, he stresses. There are plenty of male brains in female bodies, and vice versa. There are even female autistics, but there are many more male ones: In Baron-Cohen’s theory, autism is a case of the “extreme male brain.”
(from “Autism: What’s Sex Got to Do with It?” in Psychology Today magazine)
I SO TOTALLY AGREE with Baron-Cohen’s theory. People are ALWAYS expecting me to be empathetic and all that (I wanna say) crap. I feel it, and I know compassion is a good thing, but I don’t function that way or express myself that way. AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO or PRETEND TO just because that kind of response is normal and expected of women.

I like how I am, and I feel I have more of a “male brain.I do NOT want to constantly be responsive to others, not even 1/4 of the time do I want to be responsive. I much prefer to be active (yang), rather than being the soft (yin) responder. I am the aggressor, the actor, the force; I am not the receiver, the audience, the one who absorbs the force.

It seems like people will do anything to prove to themselves that women are yin and receptive/responsive They even get mad at us when we are not like that. We Aspie Girls prove that women are not always yin.

I don’t have to explain this to anyone. Being different is OK.


Below is more on the Asperger’s “male brain”:

Baron-Cohen and colleagues have come up with a model for this idea which divides the way the brain works into two major dimensions: systemizing and empathizing.

Systemizing is defined as “the drive to analyze or construct systems” that “follow rules.”  13  It also involves being able to predict the behavior of a system (as opposed to predicting or understanding the behavior of other people). 11 Males are, on average, more skilled at “systemizing” than females are. Think of mathematicians and engineers as good systemizers.

Empathizing is defined as “the drive to identify another person’s emotions and thoughts, and to respond to these with appropriate emotion.” It also involves being able to predict the behavior of people. Females are, on average, more skilled at “empathizing” than males are. Think of therapists and teachers as good empathizers.

Please note: The gender differences being discussed are “overall average” differences. In other words, it is understood that there are individual men who are wonderful at empathizing and women who are fantastic at systemizing; there are intuitive male therapists and brilliant female mathematicians.

The extreme male brain theory, meanwhile, views people on the autism spectrum as hyper-systemizers: people who are extremely interested in and engaged with rule-bound non-human systems, whatever their level of functioning. 14  For someone with less cognitive ability, “hyper-systemizing” might translate into collecting buttons, stones, or some other objects and organizing them by type. For someone with a higher IQ, it might translate into a huge catalog of knowledge on a particular subject, like insects, astronomy, or history — a subject that is endlessly thought about, talked about, and expanded upon. Routine would be one form of system, and disruptions to routine would be upsetting because they interfere with expectations of a rule-bound system. Rigidity, not flexibility, would be the rule.

Empathizing, on the other hand, would be impaired in individuals with ASD. Reading social cues, noticing what others are feeling (let alone figuring out how to respond appropriately), and making sense of social hierarchies would be very challenging — even more challenging than it might be for the average male.

Me: One thing I’ve never read is that we — or, that is, I — DON’T WANT TO BE EMPATHIC. I like people; I want people to be happy; but I am NOT willing to put myself in the position of being empathic in order to facilitate that. It is not who I am; I do appreciate others’ empathy on occasion, but that doesn’t mean I want to do that.


I am seeing the persimmons and pomegranates growing on some trees along Carne Rd. out in Ojai’s East End.

Full moon today.

Travel has a lot to do with cultures and their foods.

My true voice comes out really well when I am out in nature.

Sometimes I wear my headlamp to bed (like now, when I’m sleeping out in the woods).

My deep, ancient fear of the woods is still there; I saw it the other night when I awoke suddenly from a dream. I have just set it aside. My earliest and almost-only remembered dream is of me, running from a witch in the woods; I can see a friendly, helpful young man waiting from me just outside the woods at a soda fountain.

Yesterday, for the first time since they have been dead (over ten years), I missed my adoptive parents.


I have had many Alternative Homes, starting in 1975. They include:

houses (in suburbs and out in the country)

apartments (in big cities)



SROs (Single Room Occupancy or “Transient” hotels)

Tents and camping on the ground (“camps”)

Couchsurfing is like a “home” at many people’s houses



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