Oct. 3, 2012

This pic is from my trip to Guatemala in 2011. It’s the steps of a church in Chichicastenango.

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My new self-chosen titles are:

The Queen of Disturbance, Disorder and Disruption.

Bold and Banned: An Unapologetic Old Woman.

Taboo-Disrupting Diva.

I am a “Shock Jock” type of woman.

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I am not “a writer” per se. For real writers, writing is NOT about self-expression. My writing is ALL about self-expression. My writing isn’t even really for readers, although I love it when people do read it. My writing is for me.

Mine is Aspie writing (because I’m an Aspie): it records and catalogues my life. It accumulates and orders information that is relevant to me: my experiences, news I think is noteworthy, facts that are interesting to me, my trips, my camping,.. my life.

My writing is not (usually) about my emotions or about other people and their emotions. That’s not what interests me; what interests me is having a journal of my life, a soundtrack of my life. Something my grandkids can read.

My writing is for harnessing my life experiences. I am translating my life experiences into a “picture” that says, “You are now free to travel the world at will.”

Sometimes I think I’m an angry Aspie. I had so little understanding of who I was that over the years I’ve become angry at people who demanded that I be who they (and our society) thought I should be. Once I realized I had Asperger Syndrome, there was no more need for explanations, excuses or anger. I am being who I am; I don’t have to or want to be anyone else.

My personality type is The Romantic. I am more interested in the feeling (ok, it’s an emotion) I get from watching the full moon and the sunset than in  analyze my feelings about the full moon and the sunset.

And I don’t want to know other people’s thoughts and feelings about much of anything unless I am very, very close to them. There’s only one person in the world I am this close to, and that’s my grandson, Sam Boswell.

Being an outsider or a loner is good for the serious traveler or nomad.

Some things aren’t wrong, they are just against the rules.

Here’s a picture of my new Hown Canyon camp, 30 feet from my old camp. The foot-long rat I saw at the first camp scared me; it was shaking the branches above me at night, as I lay in my bed!

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My dream: my best pal is a gal with Down Syndrome.

Last night, the 2nd full moon night. The moon lit up the hard, shiny leaves of the California Oak trees around me like Christmas lights. The woodrats, who started moving around at 6:30 pm when it was still light out. They ran around in the moonlight on top of my stuff  laid out on the rocks.

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Be kind or be honest? In the long-run, being myself is being honest, and being honest is the kindest thing I can do for others.

I am geeky and proud to be geeky. I deplore men who expect me to be a “normal” woman. I don’t associate with men who aren’t caught up with the times.

I am an independent woman. I fought the good fight for feminism in the 1970s/’80s. It’s time for me to reap the rewards of this fight and of my own hard work. I am a smart, strong woman

When I go out in the morning, I suddenly wonder, “Am I dressed?” People would think (were I a man: absent-minded professor; Einstein); with me being a woman, they think, “Perverted, probably drunk and dissolute female.” In fact, I am an Einstein-type of gal.

When people worry about me, I regard it as a real infringement on my freedom and autonomy. Worry is NOT LOVE. People say, “It’s because I love you that I worry about you.” Not true; they are trying to control their loved ones with their worry. Their worry says, “Protect me from worrying about you by not do what THEY want to do.

Camping behind Suza’s house in Meiners Oaks, Ca. Oct. 2012

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Auotes from Gabrielle Hamilton’s Blood, Bones & Butter:

“This genuine power makes you gentle.” (Hamilton is owner/chef of Prune, a famous New York restaurant; she is also the mother of two small boys.)

Merit and talent; not recognition and fame.

“…order, logic, and efficiency.”

…ambitious and overtly professional

“(My mother) instilled in us nothing but a total and unconditional pleasure in food and eating.”

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I am done with the gym. Worked out for over two months and am in much better shape for it. I will shower at Suza Francina’s in Meiners Oaks. Meanwhile, I washed this morning in cafe Bohemia’s nice bathroom; brushed and flossed my teeth at Rainbow Bridge’s bathroom.

Without my writing, I get hung up on the details of my life. My obsession and my perspective is about forms and shapes: physics, geometry. The Tao of Physics (Franz Capra) is a great book that I read long ago; think I’ll read it again.

Through my writing I put my life in order. I can see the details of life, but not what to do with them until I put it all down in writing.

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CAMPING OCT. 1

Went over to old friend, Suza Francina’s house in the Meiners Oaks “Riverbottom.” She took me behind her house to a huge open space near (or perhaps part of) the Ojai Land Conservancy. I spread out my tarp (tent rain fly), plunked down my sleeping bag, and I was ready for the night. The bats started flying around me; a big owl (over 2 foot wing span) flew low over me; and during the night, a big animal (bear? mountain lion?) crashed down the hillside behind me (about 15′ away from me) and looked at me from about 30 feet away in the light of my headlamp. I turned off my headlamp, and s/he made quite a bit of noise (loud, heavy “breathing” sounds and rocks scattering) walking away along the edge of the barranca. In the morning, I saw a coyote heading home for the day. Still a big (almost full) moon during the night, and lots of very warm, wonderful, powerful winds.

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From Suza’s book, Fishing On Facebook (A Writing Yoga Memoir):

“Historically, men’s greatest fear has been that women would unite.”

New Orleans Mardi Gras 2011

Music on Royal St., New Orleans 2011

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In Guerneville and North San Juan, California, I went through a marvelous period of collecting roadkill. I’d haul the animal home and disect it just to find out what was going on inside (like in anatomy class: we had a real human cadaver!). Or I’d dry it in the sun (letting ants do their work), and then take the bones and teeth and display them somewhere (like on the porch in our first [of two] North San Juan houses]). Megan was living with me then.

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ASPIE NOTES

from the Oct. GRASP bulletin:

Intense World Syndrome Theory and Aspergers
According to the study, new research suggests that those labeled as Asperger’s syndrome individuals may not be “unfeeling geeks” or emotionally and socially deficient.
The Intense World Theory sees the core issue in autism-spectrum disorders as not being a lack of empathy or feeling — but instead these individuals are having a hypersensitivity-to-affective-experience issue.
Meaning, they feel “too much” in a room full of people and the information comes in too fast than can be comfortably processed. This person would combat social anxiety by focusing on details and switching attention, pulling back in a way that appears to be callous or disengaged but is actually a coping mechanism for overwhelming feelings, and choosing to hide their own.
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