I know what I want now. I just want to live. I am happy, but I’m not done, I’m not through. I guess I’ll need to be reincarnated to do as much on my spiritual evolution as I want to do. There are so many areas (of myself) that I haven’t touched.
This has been a great life, full of growth and change. My consciousness is really growing. I have faced myself, and I have faced others. I have not been hiding from life either. I’ve been really living it, and I’m joyous about that!
Sam, my grandson, and Nature (wilderness, wild animals, trees, rivers, etc., etc.) are two of my favorite “things.” My darling children have led me through life and brought me to some of my greatest heights. I thank everyone who has helped me (and these include many Sentient Beings of many species). I thank the Spirits that are around me all the time, protecting, guiding and helping me in every way; I couldn’t move without them. My two sets of parents are the seeds from which I grew. I love all these people (human and otherwise) very much. I have complete faith that all of us will be together for all of eternity.
I am ready to go on with the final act of my life. Old age will have its own blessings and adventures. I welcome it as I wave goodbye to the past. So many great memories.
From the June Carter-Johnny Cash recording “Jackson”: he says he’s going to Jackson to play around. She says: “See if I care.” Good attitude, but the song’s about a couple who are breaking up. The fire has gone out of their relationship. Carter and Cash never went through this (as is obvious in the video).
Jackson was written in 1963 by Jerry Leiber and Billy Edd Wheeler.
I posted this on Facebook today:
Floppy, upper-arm fat, Solidarity Movement: by and for old men and women who accept their bodies as they are. New “fuck you” gesture: with your hand, flap the flopping arm fat at person you want to shred.
Make as many mistakes as you can. Try to outdo yourself. It’s a good thing (though the common consensus is that mistakes are bad). “There are no misteaks” is from a tarot deck circulating in the 1970s. I had a brief fling with the tall, rail-thin, heroin-addicted, hunch-backed creator of the deck, Morgan. This was in Santa Cruz, California. I was living at the St. George Hotel on the Pacific Garden Mall. It was 1976-’77, and I was recovering from my October 1975 suicide attempt and two months in Napa State Mental Hospital in Napa, California.
In the summer of 1977, Seth came back to live with me after spending the time since my suicide attempt with Hank. (Actually, Seth went to live with his dad in June 1975.) We moved out to Scott Creek Beach in Davenport in August of ’77 (when Seth turned six).
The dozen or so folks squatting on that little bluff above the ocean just north of Santa Cruz helped us build a hut out of a big rug, a small oven, and other things that had washed up on the beach.
Anya was living with Hank in Carmel; I would see her every so often (not enough). She never wanted the life I chose, and, almost every time she visited me, she got hurt one way or another. I didn’t know how to protect her. I could barely protect myself. It took years to learn all this.
I was the mouse that roared. After many Yin years of learned subservience and self-suppression, I finally screamed: I turned Meg in for child abuse. By that time (summer, 2011), Megan had been abusing me verbally for fifteen years and abusing Sam, emotionally and physically, for five years. Snap!
Meg demanded that I apologize for reporting her to Child Protection in Gilpin County, Colorado. Apologize for finally waking up and taking action? No, I don’t think so. My punishment is that Meg will not allow to see Sam and Archer.
The two social issues I speak out about are: the Environment; the abuse of women and children (inequality).
My secondary social issues: Asperger Syndrome (autism) and rural USA. I educate people on these things.
At Antoinette’s someone was playing loud music until 1 am last night (Sunday). No one complained. This morning, loud music started at about 8:30 am. Last night it was reggae and Soca. This morning, it’s religious music; one of the daughters is playing it. Grandma switched years ago from Catholicism to Seventh Day Adventists or something because the Catholic Church condemned her for being a single mother. Bastards!
Antoinette’s house is a den of stunning freedom for me. There’s nothing scary here. It’s as if no one even knows I’m here. I am quiet, neat, clean, undemanding, and I follow the unspoken house rules (whatever they are, I seem to be naturally at ease with them). About 17 people live here (including the seven children), and they are all busy with stuff most of the time. I seldom encounter anyone in the house; I pretty much stay in my own room. I brought my own food, which I keep in my room (peanut butter, crackers, fruit and veggies, sardines). They have brought big plates of food to my room twice now, along with a drink of juice or soda. Very nice people.
Here are the two parts of me: ONE = I’m banging on the front door of a house, demanding entry. “Let me in! Open up, god damn it!” TWO = I am begging sweetly and humbly at the back door: “Do you have a little work I can do for some food?” My Yin and Yang, my male and female sides.
A huge moth (wings about 4″ in height and each wing about 3: wide) was flapping around the light bulb in the laundry room last night. I thought it was a bat until it landed, and I saw it clearly. Beautiful wing markings: brown and white with a little red (I think) and a big “eye” on each wing.
I want to incorporate some new things into my Couchsurfing/travelling. More rural (less urban) surfing; more hiking out in nature; more exercise (walk, gym, swim, bike, dance, yoga, stretching).
This trip around the Caribbean is over. Next, the northern coasts of Venezuela and Colombia. That’s a first for me–never been to South America. Then, a second trip up through Central America (first time in Panama) and a return to Mexico City. I’ll fly from the D.F. into San Antonio and take a bus back to New Orleans. Any place I hang my hat is home.
This is how I posted my sentiments on Facebook today:
For five months I have been putting this trip together and doing the actual travelling. Now, I am on the other side of my Caribbean travels and headed back to the US (through South + Central America and Mexico). It’s time to let go of the reins and be playful, irresponsible, mischievous, and relaxed—with total faith in Magic and Miracles. Time to sit back, drink a beer, and let the Spirits take control of everything.
This is the end of one chapter of my life. I have turned the corner into Old Age. Well, I’m not ancient yet; I’m not 80. But I sense a real change in myself. I am really thinking spiritually suddenly, more than I ever have. I am identifying with my physical body less and less. I know I will die, and, even if it is tomorrow, I have lived a full, good life. I still have SO MUCH to learn! And Sam is the one person I still want to see more of; I want to see him grow up.
I want to understand more of the spirit world. And I want to have done all I possibly can to find my ONE LOVE, my eternal Soulmate. I believe he and I promised each other that we would always do everything we could to find each other and be united in this lifetime. It’s quite possible that we have found each other; two guys are definite candidates. One is a guy I really like for the good person he is; the other is someone I don’t really connect with except that, during the six weeks I was with him, I had the most amazing mystical experience of my life. I didn’t have sex with either of these men, both of whom are much younger than me. I may not have met my Soulmate yet in thi lifetime. It may be the great musician Chris Smither.
Message today from Aisha about our trip yesterday:
I was telling you about the Shouter Baptists. Some time ago I was at a little waterfall and that particular time the water was trickling down.But when the Baptists started chanting it became very heavy and when they finished chanting, maybe half hour, after it returned to just a trickle.
It was first introduced in 1946 in the musical St. Louis Woman. In the musical the song was sung by a female character of easy virtue, and the lyrics start out, “Free and easy”. The score by Arlen provides a languid accompaniment, not dissimilar to that of “One for My Baby (and One More for the Road)“, also by Arlen and Mercer.
Any Place I Hang My Hat Is Home (lyrics)
Free an’ easy,
That’s my style,
Howdy do me,
Watch me smile,
But fare the well me after while,
‘Cause I gotta roam
An’ any place I hang my hat is home!
Thank you kindly,
Suits me fine,
Kansas City, even Caroline,
That’s my honeycomb,
‘Cause any place I hang my hat is home.
Birds roostin’ in a tree pick up an’ go,
An’ the goin’ proves that’s how it oughta to be,
I pick up too when the spirit moves me.
Cross the river, round the bend,
So long friend,
There’s a voice in the lonesome win’
Keeps whisperin’ roam!
I’m going where a welcome mat is,
No matter where that is,
‘Cause any place I hang my hat is home