June 25, 2013

July 25


God, I hate it when anything even APPROACHING flirting (which, as an Aspie, I don’t do) happens between me and anyone. It totally grosses me out and freaks me out. It’s almost always NTs who freak me out this way. They seem to flirt a lot, and their attempts to do it with me is so sick. They are “players.” Gross! In a cafe (like now) I literally turn my chair so I am not facing them (it’s usually a man). I have a big problem (who wouldn’t) with men’s Big Egos, and I definitely don’t want to flatter them AT ALL.

Plus, NTs completely misinterpret Aspies’ behavior. This alone is infuriating. They also think they are the center of attention and that they SHOULD be the center of attention. It’s freaky; they are super weird!

NTs seem to need to set the standard of behavior wherever they are. That’s why we don’t allow them at GRASP meetings: NTs try to take over and make the meeting “normal” according to their NT standards (which they think are “right” and superior).

I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m angry about NTs behavior, but it’s to be expected, considering the  conflicts inherent in Aspie-NT relations. NTs very actively (though covertly) censor Aspies’ public behavior. We do not meet their standards for what is right and acceptable. “Inappropriate” is what they call our behavior. Aspies are introducing a new definition of what is “normal” behavior and NTs (who have always been “on top,” socially) can’t stand it.  How do they stand themselves?

The current Aspie-NT dynamic is exactly the same as Gays introducing new standards for marriage. The traditional people hate it. The whole Disability Rights Movement dealt with “Normal” people’s dislike of anyone who is different from them. NTs can not think outside the box; they don’t even know there is a box. They call the box NORMAL; everything outside it is abnormal and wrong. Bad. They need to be flattered and admired, and we Aspies and other autistics don’t do it.

I want everyone to know:

that SOME NTs get mad at us Aspies (both in public and in private) for not “acting right” and not giving them (and other NTs) the kind of social attention they want and have come to expect. It is well-known that Aspies experience this all the time. NTs (especially those in the social mainstream) are famous for being bullies. Bullying can be subtle; it can be overt. But for us Aspies,  it’s always there.

I am on the far end of the autistic spectrum. My Aspergers is almost invisible to most people (especially since most people don’t know a thing about Aspergers except all the supposed “social deficits” they have heard about). So when I act or react in non-NT, Aspie ways, these people are shocked and personally offended. And I am castigated for not obeying NT social directives. Since I’m not one of them, NT expectation that I conform to their needs and their prerogatives is absurd in the extreme.

Try being yourself and doing your best when you have this kind of negative social evaluation going on all the time and with you as the target.

My usual tactic is to ignore them . I treat these particular NTs as irrelevant (because, to me, they are irrelevant) and very dumb (which they usually are). The thing is that I don’t care about them, and they can’t accept that. They also can’t accept that we may be smarter than them and/or more creative.



  1. A right or privilege exclusive to a particular individual or class.
  2. A faculty or property distinguishing a person or class.

The “class” I am referring to (above) is Neuro-typicals. There is a new word for NTs, but I forget what it is,  don’t know who is using it, and am not sure if I will use it.

I was raised to learn and obey NT rules. My adoptive parents were NTs and social outcasts, so all this was VERY important to them. The result is that I am very aware of NT needs and demands, but I am having to learn to ignore them in the process of becoming myself/Self.

I understand the NT longing for social approval and popularity. In high school I and another girl were voted most friendly people. We were both overweight, and the boys certainly weren’t going nuts over us. Underneath, I was insecure and dying for approval and love. Sick.


The smartest, sanest, wisest people I know never get involved in ridiculous interpersonal stuff, like judging others’ behavior. They don’t have the need to perpetually interact with others. They don’t take things personally. They remain objective and detached. “Compassionately detached” (from a Couchsurfer’s profile). It’s a beautiful thing.

I am so glad Jane Britton was my best friend until mid-high school and her fling with Sandy (Sullivan?) from down on South Street. Jane’s  parents sent her off to pricey, prestigious Dana Hall in Wellesley, the next town. Not only was Jane brilliant, she also was an independent, creative thinker. I adored her and she adored me: Best Friends.

Early on, I learned that Jane’s way was the way I wanted to go. Late,r Martha Tracey joined our little walk-to-school group. She was never the close friend Jane was, but  Martha was also a genius who didn’t give a shit about what the popular kids were doing or all the games people played in high school. Jane and Martha were outside and above it all.

Jane and Martha were much smarter than me, and so ever since I was very young, I KNEW where I stood intellectually: smart, but not genius. That was fine with me.

When I became a high school cheerleader (and was subsequently invited to join all the sororities that had ignored me for three years), my fellow classmates thought I had changed. Some of them called me a snob. But it wasn’t me who had changed; it was them. Their opinion of me had changed. They thought I had become one of the In Crowd. The truth was that I was just as much of an outsider as ever. In fact, being closer to–but not one of–the In Crowd made me unpleasantly vulnerable to that group’s abuse of social outsiders.

Many Aspies have an above-average IQ and vast amounts of creativity. Especially gifted Aspies can’t escape the notice of NTs who are seeking public attention, social validation, and status. (Aspies are usually seeking anonymity not notoriety.)  NTs don’t know what we are doing, but they don’t like it, and they get mad at us.


NTs  never grasp the fact that Aspies are focused on our own, individual, special interests. For example, when I’m online and very focused on what I’m doing, I don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m wearing, my body language, or my manners. I’m working, and I’m happy. I will conform just enough in public to be polite, but not subservient. NTs have a different standard: it’s very important to them to look good and act right. Like mediocre followers, NTs and mainstreamers refuse to risk social disapproval or censure by standing out in any way. They prefer to conform, and, once you start conforming, it’s hard to turn back.

The risk of striking out on your own is being laughed at and ostracized. That’s difficult for someone who only values themselves as much as other people do. Their whole world is “out there,” an external locus of control (as they said in psychology classes); there’s no “in here,” no Me who is strong enough to stand up to and resist the group. Groups fight the loner, the rebel, and the maverick. The group’s cohesiveness and existence depend on conformity.

NTs can be very nice people–and this is valuable if its sincere–but they are uninteresting because they have no real solidity. They float around, responding to every trend and passing fancy of their society. Their apparent flimsiness appears–to us–as moral weakness, grovelling, and mental dullness; it leaves a bad taste in the mouth of most Aspies. It’s as though NTs don’t know what’s going on around them, but they slavishly follow it anyway.

I have many NT friends, and I truly love some of them. But the social gaffes and personal faults of other NTs  (not my NT friends, of course!!) are totally unacceptable and inappropriate (ha ha: back at cha). They are always playing games, and I don’t feel sorry for those people. They are just idiots masquerading as role models. And what’s really infuriating is that they think WE are playing THEIR GAME! It’s so insulting. And, on top of it all, they distract us from our foci.

Unfortunately, the Aspies who don’t or won’t recognize that they have Asperger Syndrome are some of the worst offenders. As with Gays who are still in the closet, these Aspies enforce the NT social/moral code very strictly, and they strongly censure anyone who doesn’t adhere to it religiously.


A censure /ˈsɛnʃər/ is an expression of strong disapproval or harsh criticism.Among the forms that it can take are a stern rebuke by a legislature, a spiritual penalty imposed by a church, and a negative judgment pronounced on a theological proposition.


I slept on the couch last night. Dreamed of a little black dog (Brenna and David’s Zoe). The previous night I dreamed I killed a man. It was partly an accident and partly intentional. I stuffed his body in a trash can. I knew someone would find it; I was paralyzed with fear and guilt. It was horrible! I was so glad to wake up.

I don’t really like middle and upper middle class thing (and certainly not anything “above” that)  because their whole thing is about status and not losing status. TI have in the past few days heard a couple of people demonstrate this insanity. One person said that he grew up “middle class… almost upper middle class.” Another person said that her ancestors long ago back in France “were quite influential.” Do we ALL need this kind of ego enhancement? It’s ugly, and it makes one’s shallow need for love/admiration so transparent.

Last night we watched the movie Seabiscuit. It was awesome. Makes me want to have a lot more to do with horses.

Keith Richards in the Documentary Movie (in six parts) based on his book LIFE.


Do not care if people think or say bad things about me, like that I’m stupid or ugly or perverted or deranged or degenerate or anything. I am wild; let all these people go.  They aren’t my people.

Brenna says the people in Alaska who are conservatives ar Libertarians. All they want is to live out in the woods and be left alone.

from Wikipedia:

The Libertarian Party is an American third party that reflects the ideas of libertarianism. The Libertarian Party was formed in Westminster, Colorado, in the home of David Nolan on December 11, 1971. The founding of the party was prompted in part due to concerns about the Vietnam War, conscription, and the end of the Gold Standard. Although there is not an explicitly-labeled “left” or “right” designation of the party, many members, such as Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson, say they are more socially liberal than the Democrats, but more fiscally conservative than the Republicans.

In the 30 states where voters can register by party, there are 330,811 voters registered as Libertarians. By this count the Libertarian Party is the third-largest party by membership in the United States and it is the third-largest political party in the United States in terms of the popular vote in the country’s elections and number of candidates run per election. Due to this, it has been labelled by some as the United States’ third largest political party. It is also identified by many as the fastest growing political party in the United States.


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