Monthly Archives: July 2013

July 31, 2013

July 23

Saw two baby bunnies running around outside Darren’s yurt here in Homer this morning.

Realizing I don’t have to explain myself (as an Aspie, as anything) to anyone. I am ME, and that’s all I need. And it’s all anyone else needs to know.


July 24

Keeping my mood positive as life swirls insanely around me. Not getting involved or struck down by others’ moods. I have to stay UP and positive and high and so forth. It helps me, and it helps others. Getting involved in others’ DOWN moods doesn’t help them or me.


July 25

Another beautiful day after an evening full of good people, food and beer (etc.). Wonderful here.

Goya the big Persian Water Dog is the best, calmest dog I have ever spent time with. Love him!


July 27

Someday I will find THE REAL THING, THE ONE.  The Divine Partner may be found in physical form (as Hindu or Buddhist text says). The Divine Marriage is a real thing and is not always or only with God.

Finding my One Love (my Eternal Flame) has nothing to do with “making it happen” or “working on it.” He either IS or it ISN’T The One.

I know this man from my inner world. I am always with him, but right now, in this life, we are separated. (Not sure why… There are many stories about how this separation of the Two That Are One came to be. One version says a curse was put on the lovers.)

It has nothing to do with looks, being “hot”(sexually or how good we are together sexually. It’s not anything you can “fix” or make happen. It is or it isn’t. He just either is the ONE or he isn’t.

It’s never a question of “what can I do to MAKE him be mine or to make him The One?”

He either IS or ISN’T The One. You don’t “create” this kind of love.

Your Eternal soulmate is ONE person, one being, one spirit WHO IS literally YOUR OTHER HALF. He (or she) is not interchangeable. There’s only one of him.

He and I have never been apart. We were always together and always will be together. Only this ONE spirit is my other half. There aren’t a few or many spirits who can be my other half. There is only ONE.

This is not a concept I made up. It’s not only written in religious texts, but it’s also being written about today by famous people like Deepak Chopra.

You can’t make this happen. You can only tell if it’s real by consulting your inner world and being patient. This relationship exists in all worlds, in all dimensions. I ask myself:  is this (whomever) person the same one who I know to be my one-and-only in my dreams and mystical experiences? Is this the same person with whom I spend lots of time in my inner world?

It’s not about hoping and wishing… It’s just about finding Him, my One and Only.


Some people are insensitive, either because as kids they were badly hurt by trusted caregivers. Now they can’t recover enough to dare to trust others. Or because they aren’t evolved enough to be truly aware of others. They are lonely people because they think they are all alone. They haven’t yet realized that others are real.


July 29

Left Homer and came up to Kenai.


July 30

Wonderful night in Soldotna: dinner with Miriam and Dave and their kids. Then, Paul Knight came over to pick me up and had brownies and ice cream with us all. Such divine new friends.

Be gentle. Don’t show off; SHOW. Leos (I have Leo rising) are supposed to reflect people back to themselves but in a new way.


More Notes on True Love, One Love:

You recognize your True Love; you don’t create him/her. He isn’t

He is my foundation stone, the basis of everything. I found my existence on him, on our union. I am my ONE; my spirit is me. But with my True Love, I am complete.

Some things in life basic necessities. That’s how it is with my True Love: he is that for/to me. There is life on the surface, and there is the underpinnings of that surface life. That is who he is to me: the underpinnings, the roots.

The main stage in a True Love “affair” is not sex. Maybe when my True Love is flirting with others and having sex with others, I should imagine that he is showing me his sexuality.

Love and sweetness is good in a True Love affair. But every personal truth has to come out. This is an authentic, THE authentic relationship, so ALL the emotions will come out in the course of your love. Just try to be gentle, apologize when it’s the right thing to do, and keep the big picture in mind.

My True Love is in the background, in the shadows. I am in the forefront of my consciousness.

I realize that I can love someone THAT MUCH. That I can miss someone when they’re gone and be wildly happy when they return. All the while maintaining Buddhist detachment of course.

The person who is my True Love has that extra something. The magic. He stirs all my past life memories of my man, my husband, my lover, etc. It’s him.


Help other people see/know that they sound like a symphony.


July 31

I am constantly reminded these days of how much older and wiser I am than these young, clueless dickheads in their 20s. They have so much to learn, and some of them will rise to the challenge.

My current CS host is not comfortable with anyone in their little apartment when they are not there. Ugh! Oh, well. I am just sitting around from 7:30 am to 7:30 pm. It certainly could be worse. I am happy here at Kaladi Coffee on 6ht Ave. and G Street in downtown Anchorage. Just fiddling away online all day. As I say, it certainly could be much, much worse.


July 21, 2013

July 21

Staying in Homer in a small, beautiful yurt with an incredible view of Kachemak Bay and the mountains behind it.  My host is Darren, a wonderful guy, a guitar player, carpenter, and Gypsy (my assessment) of rather Buddhist persuasion who is originally from SW Florida.

Darren says we have become friends. I love that. I adore having friends, especially ones who want me to come back and see them again. He said, “Welcome Home!” when we were out drinking at the bars the other night. These are good signs for making a home-base here. Darren is a Good Guy, and I trust and respect him. He has friends here who genuinely like him. All good signs.

I want a few places that I love (for the land, the physical place, and for the culture and the people). New Orleans is one; Homer is perhaps a second home-base. One in the city, and one in the country. One north, and one south. Perfecto. Primo. As they used to say, “Fuckin’ A.”

My other repeated-visiting areas are: Marin County and San Francisco, California = Anya and Alon. Ventura County, California = Seth, Noelle, and Myles. Boulder and Nederland, Colorado = Megan, Sam, Archer and Jeramy.


Kachemak Bay has very extreme tides.

The tides at Kachemak Bay are extreme, with an average vertical difference (also called mean range) of over fifteen feet (15.53ft, 4.73m), and recorded extremes of over thirty-one feet (31.72ft, 9.67m) as measured at the Seldovia Tide Station. The highest tide on record is over twenty-five feet (25.25ft, 7.7m) above MLLW* and occurred on November 15th, 1966. The lowest tide on record is almost minus six and a half feet (-6.47ft, -1.97m) from MLLW and occurred on April 27th, 2002.

*Mean lower low water:

The United States’ National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration uses mean lower low water (MLLW), which is the average height of the lowest tide recorded at a tide station each day during the recording period. MLLW is only a mean, so some tidal levels may be negative relative to MLLW.



The Bay of Fundy is known for having the highest tidal range in the world. Rivaled by Ungava Bay in northern Quebec, King Sound in Western Australia, Gulf of Khambhat in India, and the Severn Estuary in the UK, it has one of the highest vertical tidal ranges in the world. The Guinness Book of World Records (1975) declared that Burntcoat Head, Nova Scotia has the highest tides in the world:

“The Natural World, Greatest Tides: The greatest tides in the world occur in the Bay of Fundy…. Burntcoat Head in the Minas Basin, Nova Scotia, has the greatest mean spring range with 14.5 metres (47.5 feet) and an extreme range of 16.3 metres (53.5 feet).”



Homer, Alaska:

Pop. (2010 survey) = 5,003

89% White

22 sq. miles (10 are land; 11 are water)

The median income for a household was $52,057, and the median income for a family was $68,455.


Here’s what Annie Dillard writes in Pilgrim At Tinker Creek:

An infant who has just learned to hold his head up has a frank and forthright way of gazing about him in bewilderment. He hasn’t the faintest clue where he is, and he aims to learn. In a couple of years, what he will have learned instead is how to fake it: he’ll have the cocksure air of a squatter who has come to feel he owns the place. Some unwonted, taught pride diverts us from our original intent, which is to explore the neighborhood, view the landscape, to discover at least where it is that we have been so startlingly set down, if we can’t learn why.

I think Aspies divert less from their “original intent” than many other people do. I think we fake it less. We do sometimes fake NT behavior until we have the confidence to be ourselves. This confidence comes from a.) knowing we’re Aspies (and loving it) and b.) from getting together with other Aspies and realizing that we’re all very similar to each other.


I have to  watch out for moose when I go to the outhouse here at Darren’s. Mice and voles run around on the ground.

As a couchsurfer, I am really exposed. I am at the will of my CS hosts. When they are warm, friendly and loving, I am so happy. I think, “Maybe I’m ‘home’; maybe this is somewhere I can return to and be welcomed by ____ (whomever) whenever I return here. Maybe I can find love here.”  If my hosts are (or, in the course of my visit, become) cool, detached, and  indifferent people who want to know just how long I am staying (because they have someone else coming), it hurts. I pretend it doesn’t, but it does. I do have an alter-ego though: Gypsy Traveller Me. I can finally switch into that mode (if I am rebuffed). I then feel happy and strong and I do some “down-the-road” planning for my upcoming trips; it gets me out of my funk from being “abandoned” (that’s the hole in my heart).

I fall in love so fast. And all of us long-distance, constant Travellers get lonely sometimes. Vulnerable is the word. I am definitely emotionally vulnerable out here. Alone and travelling, I am tough and very removed from emotional entanglements. But in the house of a charming, wonderful host, I become very open emotionally. I am, after all, still looking for my Special Someone. Maybe I have found him; I don’t know.


Homer was a camping place for the Alutiiq People who lived across Kachemak Bay on an island.

Alutiiq people

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sugpiat (pl) Sugpiaq (sg) Sugpiak (dual)
A Sugpiaq dancer man with Agnguaq
Regions with significant populations
 United States (Alaska)
Sugcestun, English
Russian Orthodox Church
Related ethnic groups
Yup’ik, Aleut

Salmon drying. Alutiiq village, Old Harbor, Kodiak Island. Photographed by N. B. Miller, 1889

The Alutiiq (plural: Alutiit < from Promyshlenniki Russian Алеутъ Aleut), also called Sugpiaq [sg] Sugpiat [pl] (own name) or Pacific Yupik, are a southern coastal people of the Native peoples of Alaska.

Their language is called Sugstun, and it is one of Eskimo languages, belonging to the Yup’ik branch of these languages. They are not to be confused with the Aleuts, who live further to the southwest, including along the Aleutian Islands. At present, the most commonly used title is Alutiiq [sg] Alutiik [dual] Alutiit [pl]. However, these terms derive from the names (Алеутъ Aleut) that Russian fur traders and settlers (in 1784 Awa’uq Massacre) gave to the people from the region.

The Sugpiaq term for Aleut is “Alutiiq” and all three names (Alutiiq, Aleut, and Sugpiaq) are used now, according to personal preference. Some Alaska Natives from the region have advocated for the use of the terms that the people themselves used to describe their people and language: Sugpiaq [sg] Sugpiak [dual] Sugpiat [pl] to describe the people (meaning “the real people”) and Sugstun, Sugcestun, Sugt’stun, Sugtestun to describe the language.

They traditionally lived a coastal lifestyle, subsisting primarily on ocean resources such as salmon, halibut, and whale, as well as rich land resources such as berries and land mammals. Before European contact with Russian fur traders, the Alutiiq lived in semi-subterranean homes called Ciqlluaq.

The Alutiiq today live in coastal fishing communities, where they work in all aspects of the modern economy, while also maintaining the cultural value of subsistence. In 2010 the high school in Kodiak responded to requests from students and agreed to teach the Alutiiq language. The Kodiak dialect of the language was only spoken by about 50 persons, all of them elderly, and the dialect was in danger of being lost entirely.


July 18, 2013

July 16

In a nice house in Anchor Point on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska. House has a beautiful view. Peaceful. Boring, but I can cope with that now; I just accept it.

I hitched here yesterday. It took me six rides from Anchorage. It usually takes between three and four hours to drive here from the city; it took me from about 7 am to about 2 pm. I was in touch with Anya all the way, sending her the photos of license plates of cars I got into and info on funny things that were happening.

On the trip I saw two grown moose, one with a calf. One of my drivers reminded me that all I have to do is be authentic and unpretentious.


I’ve been reading some light fiction lately, and here are two funny things I read:

1.)     ~a dog supposedly commenting that all people do is exchange words or play with words or some such observation*, rather than actually doing things.  (* Both Aspies and dogs think that most people talk too much.)

2.)    ~in another dog’s voice book, the dog said that people were behaving as though they “expected to be restrained.” Ugh. Unfortunately, this is very true of most of us: we have been curbed of our natural tendencies. Many people are way too domesticated. We learn to obey commands.


My Native hosts in Talkeetna were so noticeably generous. I was just telling Kate (my current host) about this. She’s worked as a nurse/midwife with lots of Native people up here, and she says they are very generous. Anything that’s there, everyone is expected to just share and take what they want.

And Kate says you don’t knock before going into a house, you just go in (this is true even for White people). You do/say nothing at first. Then, you sit down and slowly, quietly begin joining into the group and whatever’s going on.


July 17

My current host, Kate, told me the Kenai Peninsula is all Whites, very few Natives. The house I’m staying in is packed full of stuff–way too much stuff for me–and so much food! Too much of everything.

I am leaving tomorrow. Despite the beautiful view here, I am ready to go. I love beauty, but I come to make contacts and just BE in a place, not to be a tourist and go see beaches and so forth.

Today, on my way into town, I took photos of women road construction workers here in Anchor Point. Posted them on Facebook. So many of my FB Friends live in places where women are not allowed to have jobs like this. They are also the countries where men are macho and openly have mistresses, while women must stay home and never be alone with another man. Ugly scenario.


July 18

Kate, awesome host and new friend, drove me to BEAUTIFUL Homer, Alaska today.

I may SEEM to some clueless people like a homeless, dependent, poor, helpless woman who needs constant aid from others. In TRUTH, as all my friends know, I am a very independent, free, rich (in life, in experiences, and in spiritual awareness), home-free (my home is the world), very active and help-full, self-advocating woman who understands that we are all both independent and inter-dependent (we are all one).

Kate: ignore those people who have very limited spiritual consciousness. Turn toward those people who are spiritually aware.

Hitching from Anchorage to Anchor Point a few days ago:

One guy (foreigner/tourist) stopped, but he wouldn’t let me take a picture of his license plate. I said thanks and bye. He then complained bitterly about Americans before driving off.

Another guy (old and weird) said, “Get in. Do you need some money? I’ll give you some money. Are you a Christian.” Me: “Bye bye.”

The WWOZ disc jockey yesterday, Rare, asked anyone listening from oil rigs in the Gulf to call in. I called in and told him I was up in Alaska and would be back in NOLA soon. He called me “Baby” twice (in that warm New Orleans way!), and then he told listeners that a woman had called from “way, way up there in Alaska.”


The Pushki are huge and beautiful now.

PUSHKI Plants:

“The huge lush leaves of cow parsnip (pushki, Heracleum lanatum) are beginning to festoon Kenai Peninsula roadsides, especially south of Ninilchik and around Homer. In another few weeks the flat-topped heads of white flowers will be showing their faces, and unwary hikers and gardeners will be salving their rashes and blisters from too much pushki and sunshine.”


from the Peninsula Clarion (July 17, 2013)

The fireweed plants have been blooming for weeks in the Interior and even on the northern part of the Kenai Peninsula. But down here on the southern part of the Peninsula, they are just starting to bloom. This is because the growing season is much longer down here. The Homer area is called a “banana belt.”  Fireweed and other plants can start blooming later. Further north, it will start getting cold again by mid-August.


Finally I’ve discovered how best to treat people sitting near me in a cafe or walking past me on the sidewalk or shopping at the market: ignore them. I used to try to reach out and greet as many people as possible. I have done this since high school. Now, it is revealed as not only unnecessary but dumb, boring and usually a huge waste of my time.

Ignoring people is so much better. And easier. And it had benefits: I don’t have to interact at all with most people (which is how I like it). If I meet people and like them or if I am staying with a CS host, I have to interact. If I decide I can’t stand these people, I have to fake it until I can get away. Awful!

But Kate (recent host in Anchor Point) let me know in very definite way that it’s OK–in fact it’s wise–to just ignore people when I feel that it’s not going to be beneficial TO EITHER OF US.

I am older now. I know many things I didn’t know before. One of those things is that I have met so many people in my life, and many of those people were not people I want to be friends with. Facebook “Friends”– OK. Real friends– NO. So I am no longer looking at everyone as a potential friend (though actually they are all potential friends); I know most of them are not going to become my friends. We are all just travelling through this world at the same time; in that way we are all one.

Ah, the relief! Ignoring those people at the next table whose conversation bores me (even though I can hardly hear it). Ignoring the pompous overtones coming from some guys in the park (is it my lowered self-esteem or are they really arrogant, vain, pompous asses?). Ignoring those library patrons sitting nearby who emit negative energy (or that’s how it feels to me). Ignoring all strange, weird folks (even if they’re not strange or weird to anyone else) instead of trying to prove myself to them and get their acknowledgement and approval is a huge victory for me. I guess I have been humbling myself too much:  I’ve been seeing myself both as willing to “help” these poor, lost souls and as needing their blessing. Gross!

The truth is that, like Sherlock Holmes (in the new BBC interpretation), I don’t really care about most people. I hope they are happy, well-fed, healthy, and have what they need; I wish them well. But, as individuals, I feel they can fend for themselves. If someone straight out asks me for help (and if I can see or understand their needs), I will consider trying to help them… on this basis: a.) can I actually help them? and b.) how much skin it would be off my nose?

I am not going to hurt myself to help someone else. That would be flat out illogical and irrational.


no skin off my back
-The original form of this phrase was no skin off my nose, dating back to the early 20th century, but other body parts have been used as well (e.g. elbow, knee, ear.) It essentially means ‘no concern to me, not my business, doesn’t hurt me at all.’ There is not much information about why back became more popular than other parts, though one theory holds that it relates to being whipped, a well-known (if not commonly practiced) form of punishment in English-speaking countries. The link would be that, when one is in a situation that this phrase could describe, it is not causing you any harm and there is no fear of any punishment to oneself.



We are all both independent and inter-dependent. When someone goes too far to one side or the other, they reek. If too independent, they look self-centered, egotistical, and ugly. If too interdependent, they look too needy, grovelling, and ugly. Seek BALANCE.

The key though is just fucking ignoring people. Why did I ever want to NOT ignore people? Why did I want to interact with fucking everyone? These are some of those truly insane things we do when we are young (or learn to do when we are young and just keep on doing over and over and over and over). Finally, if we are lucky, we wake up and say, “Why the fuck am I doing that? I hate doing it and I don’t have to do it.” Then, you are released from it forever.

I think that for many, many years I was under the impression that I had a social–and moral or ethicalobligation to interact in a polite, friendly, positive way with people. And I  think I believed that if I didn’t follow this social imperative, I was being rude (that hated word).

Could this perspective have come from the immigrant’s dual mentality of 1.) supporting the immigrant “kin”-group (in our case: Germans), and 2.) presenting oneself in the best possible way (in order to facilitate quick and easy assimilation into the dominant group [in our case: Americans])? Did my parents drum this puppet-like response into me out of fear, without thinking about it? Was the social pressure from the people (Americans) who had just defeated their people (Germans–though Mom was born in the US and definitely identified herself as an American) in a World War (in consecutive World Wars actually) that strong and that threatening? Was it just a matter of survival?

I hereby release myself from the need to interact with everyone I possibly can interact with. There. Done. Finished. Forever.


I always thought the direction I was going in was toward MORE interactions, and MORE relaxed interactions, with more strangers. Not so, as it turns out.

I want to add, unnecessarily I am sure (because it really doesn’t matter), that ignoring people doesn’t mean I dislike them. I may dislike them if I got to know them; I may not. Ignoring them means that I am indifferent to them based on two facts: I don’t have to interact with them (so why have any opinion about them?), and I have received some kind of negative input* from them (which makes me not want to interact with them). (*It could be anything, any little thing: clothes, posture, voice tone, psychic impression… If I’m focusing on something [which I usually am], I often won’t tolerate anything that clashes with what I’m doing, anything that’s not beautiful and pleasant is alien and unwanted baggage at those moments.)

I simply don’t want to be interacting with people all the time. I definitely need my down time and my alone time. New people are the hardest: getting to know someone and establish baselines takes WORK. With strangers, it’s worse because I am expected to make inane conversation about nothing and engage in a barrage of lots of basically meaningless words. Ah, the horror!


baseline (medicine), information found at the beginning of a study

baseline (pharmacology), a person’s state of mind or being, in the absence of drugs~from Wikipedia


I am having lots more interactions with people these days, but these interactions are mostly with Couchsurfers (from the website). I am meeting lots and lots of them and getting along very well with them. They like me, and I like them (generally). But casual encounters–NO. Most emphatically NO.

Couchsurfers and me often (not always) have a lot of the same attitudes and similar perspectives on life. Perhaps it’s an unusual (or minority) perspective.

Other people (most of whom would never, ever be on the Couchsurfing site) are not people I want to have anything to do with. Some of these people are neo-Nazis. I stay as far away from these people as possible. I am sort of radically liberal, and we do NOT get along.


Everything I’ve said here is the truth, and I will swear to it. It’s not good or bad–it’s who I am. I am not going to strive to be “nice.”  It’s boring and ugly; it’s a horrible thing to be: nice. I guess finally I like myself just the way I am.

July 13 , 2013

July 13

I am not who I thought I was. This is no one’s fault. I have been blaming it on my parents and on society, but it’s just the lifelong learning process of self-discovery. I wasn’t ready to know myself when I was young.

Perhaps other parents would have made a difference and helped me to know myself better much earlier in my life, but I am happy with what my parents gave me (love, care, travel, encouragement, education).

Now I am stripping away the layers, and I realize that even how I SEE the world is not my own creation, it’s not my way of seeing. So, slowly, I am starting to see through new eyes.

As a child I was taught that I HAD to “see” in a certain way. There were deadlines for this and threats: “If you don’t ______, you won’t ______.” So I learned to see THEIR way (“them” being simply “others” or The Majority). It’s just mob behavior. And in conformity lies madness.


Favorite Couchsurfing host is/does these things for me:

~~They care about me (as a surfer/as an individual).

~~They give me love

~~and personal contact.

~~They are people I can really talk to.

~~They are not afraid to show their feelings

~~or to listen to my feelings.

~~They are smart and original and have really thought about life.

~~They are “authentic,” in the Jungian sense of fearlessly BEING WHO THEY REALLY ARE (they are not fake, “plastic” replicas of people).

~~Little intimacies (because my life is very empty of these).

Life can get lonely and empty out there on the road. We rely on our hosts and people we meet on the road to fill us up with their love. We have lots to give back.


Today I am hitching the two hours south to meet Meg Kelley in Anchorage.

I got a good ride into downtown Anchorage, and now I’m here at Meg and John’s apartment in Anchorage. They are just extremely sweet and precious (in a good way) people. Really really nice. Good people.

Couchsurfing has opened up a new world to me and a large part of that is being exposed (for a day or two or three) to very kind, generous people. I have been altered by this experience; I am becoming a better person myself thanks to my incredible hosts. Even the Just-OK hosts teach me lessons about life and being a good person.

I am definitely on the southern end of this trip to the Far North. Anchorage is a regular city, much like Seattle or Portland, but with a lot less going for it in terms of culture. Nevertheless, I am delighted to be back here. It’s a unique, charming city in so many ways. Many Natives live in Anchorage, too, which I love.

From this point I can look back on this trip through the Yukon and Alaska’s far north. I was in many places where life is hard: the bitterly cold winters and the biting flies make the north country sparsely populated in most areas. People have to work very hard and be real creative and resourceful just to survive in those places.

Alaska overall is a conservative, rather traditional state. Education is often poor in the state, and, as a young woman told me, girls up here still get married right out of high school and start having babies.


July 14

Was reading Getting Mother’s Body, and Suzan-Lori Parks writes about people’s Holes. Everyone has a hole somewhere in themselves, she says, and some have holes in their hearts. They need company and kindness. That’s me.


I am aware tonight of a few things–

First, I realize that these sedentary people have absolutely no concept of any way of life beyond their own.To them, sedentary life is the one and only way to live, the ultimate way to live.

Further, they think they are doing us a huge favor by inviting us (as Couchsurfers) into their homes. To us, we know we are doing them the favor by coming to their little boxes. We  sharing our wonderful and unique way of life with them. Unfortunately, very few of these people get it; we are like weird, awkward, horrible things to them.

The little box I’m staying in now is in the city of Anchorage, near the main airport. There are no birds around, no wildlife of any kind. It’s a dead zone with planes flying overhead frequently. It’s a sterile, empty wasteland here, both inside the apartment and outside. These poor people think they have a wonderful thing here; to me, it’s like a jail. It’s like someplace that exists in an alternate universe.

And these people spend 75% of their time working at slave-jobs to pay for this miserable place and for the cars they “need” to get them back and forth, to and from their jobs. It’s like an insane asylum. And most sedentary people live this way.

It’s particularly obvious that this life here in the city is freaking crazy because I’ve just spent a month and a half (or so) in wilderness areas where the birds are loud and the bears and caribou and moose were all around me. Here… nothing.

Out in the wild parts of the Yukon and Alaska, people never lock their doors. Here, in Anchorage, when they go out, they lock their doors because other slaves might break in and steal their junk.


I understand something else tonight: that my life is lived very much online. If I couldn’t use a computer for a month, my life would be very different. Perhaps I would like to do that now and then; perhaps I would enjoy it. It is, after all, how I used to live (pre-internet). I accept my enslavement to the computer because it gives me scope and freedom to live the life I want. Is this how sedentaries feel? Do they accept the enslavement of their jobs because that allows them to have houses, cars, and lots of the junk they seem to crave?

I have to sometimes be forced to acknowledge this truth of my chosen dependence on computers (and planes and buses and so forth). I have to say, over and over again, “Yes, I choose this. Yes, I know I am dependent on this, and still I choose it.” I have to give myself the chance, over and over again, to renounce it. Someday, I may say, “I need/want a break from this dependence (on the computer).” Someday, I may take a break and see what life is like without my computer. Freer? Less or more appealing?


I am a Gypsy, and I always have been a Gypsy–even though I was raised in one house in one town. It took me years (from 1964 to 1974) of moving around from house to house and town to town, to understand who I am and how to live the way I wanted to.

I live a Gypsy life of TRAVELLING. Sedentary Gypsies are no longer Gypsies. They have given up the essence of being a Gypsy: constant travel.

I never wanted to own land or a house or furniture or all that junk.  Having a car or a trailer/RV/house-truck… well, that’s different. That’s OK. I don’t even want or need those anymore, but I think they’re OK for Gypsies who do want them and who are on the road all the time.

These sedentary people don’t understand a life of constant travel. Watch the movie SNATCH (with Brad Pitt) about the English Gypsies. (The Boswells are famous English Gypsies.) That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what it’s about. Moving. Being there and then being gone, and they (the sedentaries) can’t find you. That’s the life I’m talking about.

I tell the sedentaries: “We’re all around you, and you just don’t know it. You don’t see us, and, when you do see us, you either don’t know who we actually are (Gypsies) or you condemn us as good-for-nothing “HOMELESS” people. The Homeless. They have no idea. They look, but they don’t see.

The MAIN, #1, best, chosen life for me is the Gypsy life. I worked my way into it slowly, since I was about 18 years old, I guess… when I first left home. Since then, I’ve never looked back. It’s been on and on, more and more, toward the travelling life.

I knew who I was, and I knew what I wanted. Because I was raised as a sedentary person, it took me years (ten years and more) to “return” to my home: the road. I had to “relearn” the way of the Gypsies. I believe that’s who I am in my soul, in my spirit, in the deepest “I.” And I just had to re-find and reclaim it.

The way I am now, the real “Me”, is so compelling and so deeply satisfying that I don’t think my man, my mate (whom I haven’t found yet) could be anything but a Gypsy. I don’t think I could be with a sedentary man again. THAT’s why all my boyfriends after my divorce were men from the street: they were (or they were like) Gypsies.


The first book I remember was The Chosen Baby, an adoption story. My favorite fairy tale is The Ugly Duckling, another adoption story. In both cases, the child was raised by foster parents.

The Chosen Baby was taken from her true life and raised by others. My adoptive parents were very good to me, and I still love them, but they were not my own. They were nothing like me, and they didn’t recognize me. (My birth parents weren’t “my own” either. I was a stranger to them, and I am a virtual stranger to my half-siblings who don’t recognize me at all for who I am.)

The Ugly Duckling was raised by parents who didn’t understand her. They saw her as flawed, and  they tried to make her be like them. But she wasn’t like them at all.

The Chosen Baby and The Ugly Duckling are one and the same, though the former is presented as lucky and the latter as unlucky. The Chosen Baby was cast out and found by people who wanted her. (In reality, I was given away because my birth-mother’s society, religion, and parents would not accept me: I was “illegitimate” and a “bastard.”) The Ugly Duckling had to leave the nest and the family who wasn’t hers and who didn’t appreciate her. She had to find her own way and her own people, and she did: the swans.

It took a long time, but now I have found my real, true Self and my real life and my real family: the Gypsies. I am an American Traveller-Gypsy and proud of it.

July 12, 2013

July 8

The kids around here learn how to ride show machines, drive boats, fly planes, and lots more. Dog mushing is done in another part of Alaska. Talkeetna is the base camp for Mt. McKinley climbers.

Kayla and Trent call themselves “game-arians” because the only meat they eat is wild game — mostly animals they shoot themselves. They have their meat “dressed” down past Anchorage.

It’s a safe, small, friendly town, and I’d like to spend more time here.


June 9

The other night Trent made friend rice with moose and shrimp.Fabulous.

Kayla taught me how to use their rice cooker: Use white rice. Wash it twice, dumping out the water both times. Put rice in cooker so it’s about 1/3 full. Put in water to where, when you press rice (and water) down with a flat hand, the water comes to a half-moon about half way up the back of your hand. Cook.

Did I mention Mike London’s wonderful rice with bacon and fiddlehead ferns? Mike had a big bag of frozen fiddleheads that he picked about six weeks ago. Wonderful food! Evenings with Mike were pure pleasure.


I really like Talkeetna, and, like Ojai, I can come here and camp out (but only in summer: mid- to late-June until about mid-August), free and safely.

Tomorrow I am going to Wasilla. From Wikipedia:

Wasilla is a city in Matanuska-Susitna Borough, United States and the sixth-largest city in Alaska. It is located on the northern point of Cook Inlet in the Matanuska-Susitna Valley of the southcentral part of the state. The city’s population was 7,831 at the 2010 census. Wasilla is the largest city in the borough and a part of the Anchorage metropolitan area, which had an estimated population of 364,701 in 2008.


I fall in love about every two weeks. Sometimes I think the man MUST BE my Soulmate (not just ANY soulmate; THE Soulmate). I am a little tired of looking for HIM. I have been at this for about 45 years. I would really like to give it up and just say, “Let him find me.” It’s become a burden, a mantle, a shroud, a fixture of my life, an obsession. And it may just be a fantasy.

It’s disturbing sometimes. Yet I know I’ll never give up; I believe he is waiting for me to find him. Maybe he’s just staying put somewhere–being a fixed point, not moving around, while I’m out here on the road, eternally searching for him, touching as many bases as I can. I’m not looking for “home” or for anything else. Just him.

Once I find him, I won’t want to capture him. I need my freedom, and I’m assuming he does, too. I just need that connection. In the flesh. A meeting of minds. Being completely understood. Hasn’t happened yet. Or has it?

With every new love, there’s the hope that I’ve found him. Then, I go away, and it’s over. I’ll never return to his town or his home. No one asks me to return. No one cries for me. No one’s missing me. No one has given me any encouragement or words of even possible love. But maybe it’s not in words. And probably, when we do meet (which we will!), he will be just as confused about what’s happening as I will be.

Every “love” is over as soon as it began. If I weren’t such an optimist and “hopeless” romantic, I’d have given up long, long ago and SETTLED for a nice man who was a good lover and a pleasant companion. Or just gotten what I need (sex and friendship) from whoever I want. But I need the real thing. I am on a quest for The One.

The really funny thing is that, if I do find him, neither one of us may really and truly know it. Only death and sleep bring that certainty (of being with my true love). In this physical life, neither of us may be ready for a physical relationship.

I don’t think I’m ready. I have the first and second chakra problems of possessiveness and jealousy. When I solve these and open my heart chakra, then I will be ready. Sometimes things come before a person thinks they are ready. Babies, for example, come whether or not you think you’re ready.

I pretend everything’s cool, and, in the big picture, it is; everything’s perfect. But I long for him. And it’s becoming more and more intense–not less– as time goes on. It’s such a curse by now that my “problems” (jealousy, possessiveness, and lack of trust) look like Mt. McKinley (20,000′ high)–I have to scale this wall before I can be united with The Beloved, before The Divine Marriage. I know solving my personal weaknesses is the key. “Many Rivers To Cross” (Jimmy Cliff song).

Can’t give up. He could come through the door in the next minute. You never know.

I can do without him; I need to be able to stand alone. But he’s my completion, my literal Other Half, my home, perfect contentment. I don’t want to get to the point where I shun daily life and long for sleep and dreams because life is just not enough (too lonely) without him.

Distractions and forgetting help. Loving everyone with detachment is a balm and perhaps a goal. It all helps. All we can do is wait. With time, all will be revealed.


July 12

Saw an eagle yesterday when Kate, Eldon and I were going up to Hatcher Pass to hike to Gold Cord Lake. It was a really sacred place up there at the Lake. Some ice was still on the Lake.

Some people have learned to love sharing. Others, like me, are still learning that. What I have is a love for myself and for being good to myself. Soon, I will learn to open my heart to others and be as good to them as I am to myself.

Today I am brewing some cannabis tea and soaking beans to make beans and rice for dinner.

July 7, 2013

July 6

I know my social groups: 1.)  Traveller-Gypsies (and all nomads and travellers who are on the road full-time), 2.)   Aspies, and 3.)  musicians, artists, dancers, actors, writers, etc. (creative people who are often performers/entertainers).

Surfing with wonderful host, Mike London, at his little cabin in the woods of Talkeetna. I like how he thinks. Hidden, deep feelings. He inspires me to do yoga. With him I don’t have to hide my intelligence because he’s just as smart as me, and he doesn’t try to hide it.

“Specific Dream Rabbit” – from the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes.

Gypsies, nomads (travellers of all kinds–not tourists) see the battlefield that IS our society (is every society like this?). This is from Mycroft Holmes’ comment to Dr. John Watson that when you walk with Sherlock you “see the battlefield.”


Wikipedia on Dr. John Watson:

In Conan Doyle’s early rough plot outlines, Sherlock Holmes’ sidekick was named “Ormond Sacker” before Conan Doyle finally settled on “John Watson”.

In the words of William L. De Andrea,

“Watson also serves the important function of catalyst for Holmes’s mental processes. […] From the writer’s point of view, Doyle knew the importance of having someone to whom the detective can make enigmatic remarks, a consciousness that’s privy to facts in the case without being in on the conclusions drawn from them until the proper time. Any character who performs these functions in a mystery story has come to be known as a ‘Watson’.”

In 1929, English crime writer and critic Ronald Knox stated as one of his rules for fledgling writers of detective fiction that,

“The stupid friend of the detective, the Watson, must not conceal from the reader any thoughts which pass through his mind; his intelligence must be slightly, but very slightly, below that of the average reader.”

Talkeetna, Alaska

Population at 2010 census: 876

Talkeetna is located at 62°18′41″N 150°5′13″W (62.311397, -150.087053) at the confluence of three rivers, the Susitna, Chulitna and Talkeetna. The Talkeetna townsite was established in 1919 when the railroad surveyed and auctioned 80 lots. The average price at the sale was $14.25. Flightseeing, rafting, mountain biking, hiking, camping, fishing and hunting make up a large portion of the local economy. Talkeetna is a 2.5 hour drive from Anchorage, the largest city in Alaska. The core downtown area is classified as a National Historic Site, with buildings dating from the early 1900s including Nagley’s General Store, Fairview Inn and the Talkeetna Roadhouse.


July 7

I left Mike London’s house this morning. He’s a peaceful, lover-type* of man with a strong spiritual bent. Intellectual.  (* I didn’t experience him as a physical, sexual lover, but I am sure he’s good. Ha ha. I just want to be friends with all these handsome, young men I meet through Couchsurfing.)

Now, I’m hanging out at Conscious Coffee; it’s raining outside. I’m waiting for Kayla to get  in touch. Her house is my next “home.” Her sense of time is less precise and more organic than mine.


Sometimes I get lonely for My Special Someone (my Eternal Soulmate). I wish he was in my life. I wish we had a solid connection in this material life. That’s my longing for Heaven. It will come when both he and I are ready.

I don’t have a traditional home (a stable safe place to return to whenever I want). And few people really know me. “Even Cowgirls get the blues… sometimes.” I wish I had Someone (that Special Someone, not just anyone). But I know I have a little ways to go before I’m ready for him. I’m still possessive, jealous, and rather preoccupied with sex. I am getting over these lower states now.

Usually, I brush off the blues. I know things will change and get better. I know life is about learning, changing and growing. And I know that contentment and balance are better than excitement and happiness (though I love those states of mind). Contentment is a natural state of acceptance of life.

Before I knew all this about the blues, my response was curiosity (where does this lead? if I pursue this feeling-state, where will I end up?) and dismay (it profoundly disturbed me to have the blues). Now I know where it can lead (to suicide) and I know that I just have to STAY POSITIVE and WAIT. In time, the blues will end, and I’ll feel great again.

The blues can be caused by something as simple as being constipated. It doesn’t signal either death, failure, or being unloved and abandoned. And if by chance these things are indicated (failure, for example, which happens to all of us occasionally), I know these things are 1.) emotions (not fact or logic),  2.) natural and normal, and 3.) surmountable with time and inner calm/peace.

I rebalance myself to a state of inner peace through yoga and meditation, positive affirmations, positive experiences, recalling positive memories, being in nature and around animals/birds/etc., and with help from good people. Compassion means that you see the battlefield that life is and you know that everyone suffers sometimes. “All life ends; all hearts are broken” (Mycroft to Sherlock when the latter asks him if something is “wrong with us” because they don’t CARE like other people do.)


Sherlock Holmes (BBC interpretation) is an Aspie with deep, hidden feelings. His heart (emotion) is hidden, camouflaged,  and deep–with a pronounced sense of the fantastical; his head (brain) is obvious, unusual, and. As LeStrade, the police detective-inspector, says, (Sherlock) is a great man, and someday, hopefully, he will be a good man.

Heard an owl in the woods last night at Mike’s. Five-hoot call: who-whowho-who-who.

Wrote on Facebook today:

I wish to hell I would find that Special Someone (my Eternal Soulmate). I have been looking for him forever. Perhaps I will have to be satisfied (in this lifetime) to be alone, to be a solo adventurer, and to reunite with him every night in my dreams. But I long for his physical presence in my life everyday.


Once I understood that life is a battlefield, living became easier. Everyone is competing and fighting, and I am not the target. I don’t need to take things–like others’ aggression and anger– personally. And I can accept my own competitiveness and aggression.  I just wade on through the dangerous, inner swamps, deserts, thick forests, and deep oceans without holding on. I don’t linger among the alligators, moose, and sharks; I escape the burning sun and the freezing cold. I return to my peaceful place as if returning home after a long journey.  I seriously wish this calm, inner place had a physical/material world equivalent.

It’s almost absurd, almost indecent, how much I am learning from my Couchsurfing cronies. Among the qualities they bring out and teach me are: patience, optimism, love, compassion, less egotism, more humility (putting others first), and faith. It’s the Truth. Being myself and being human (with all the faults involved) are two more lessons.

I am accepting the mysteries of life with something approaching surrender. I finally know for a fact that I don’t always know best and I certainly don’t know everything. So I have to trust others sometimes. OK… often.

And I trust that spirits exist and that they protect and guide me constantly. That’s a huge leap, just like the belief in my One Eternal Soulmate (the Divine Marriage). “When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer” (that’s a line from the song “Superstition”).  I do suffer for my beliefs. Leaps of faith require sustained energy, and, when the energy lags, it’s psychically painful.


Talkeetna is super casual and super small. I think I really like it here… or is it just the hot guys I met here? I am always on the lookout for new home-bases, afterall, Ojai and Boulder aren’t really homebases; they are just places to land where I have family (and where I love to camp). New Orleans is my one true home-base because I love THE PLACE. Could Talkeetna be #2?

Met a Venezuelan family at Nagley’s today. The dad told me that, while the ATM/bank rate was 3 bolivars to one American dollar when I was there (in January, 2013), now it’s 30 bolivars to one US dollar (on the Black Market). A year ago, he said, it was 9 bolivars for $1 US. I don’t pretend to understand this.

I must educate myself about issues such as the Venezuelan situation because no one is willing to explain it to me. The Venezuelan dad at Nagley’s just shook his head and said no more when I said that I didn’t understand what’s happening there. I have also asked for explanations from my Venezuelan Couchsurfing friends, but to no avail.


Two is a number to which many people give short-shrift. They don’t like the idea that, like the number One (the individual, the Self, I), Two stands alone. This is the space where I-and-the-Other (for me: my Eternal Soulmate) live and enjoy each other, as in the tantric figure of the Eternal Two in an eternal (sexual) embrace.

Where the Divine Couple meet may be a dream-space (that is, they find each other in their night dreams) or it may be that they have found each other in physical form (oh, you fortunate souls!). But the number Two does exist, and it stands alone: Two Beings United As One. Each lucky, eternal couple engages in constant play, consumed with each other. I think that in this blessed state the Soulmates can send out energy to help  other people to find their soulmates.

Many people assert that we all have many soulmates. That’s where faith and belief in “things you don’t understand” comes into play. I know what I believe, and I don’t know if it’s true or not. But it’s what I believe. It’s my all-time, favorite fantasy.

All I have to learn now is to respect my Soulmate (when I find him) and allow him to live HIS life without my interference and with my unconditional, unpossessive support.

July 5, 2013

July 2

I hitched from Fairbanks to Talkeetna today. Got one ride, from a trucker who was driving his own little car and a friend of his. A good ride. I really like this little town (pop. under 1,000). It’s much warmer and the vegetation is much greener. The trees are bigger, stronger, and more beautiful. (I loved Fairbanks beauty is not the only standard.)

Largest biomass in Alaska: mosquitoes. All the mosquitoes in Alaska form a bigger mass (group, bunch) than all the humans together or all the caribou together, etc.


July 3

I love how Jason Elliot in The Unexpected Light (Travels In Afghanistan; 1999) writes about having lice. So many travel writers slide right over this ubiquitous problem.

I was defeated again (Haiti was the first time) in Fairbanks: I couldn’t handle the mosquitoes. I didn’t even go outdoors for the week or so I was at Amythe’s and Elliot’s houses. Just stayed inside. Hibernated.

Is it possible to have closeness-without-possessiveness? I read something about this, and I think it is a fundamental question. For most people (including me), whenever I have been close to anyone (but especially a man I am having sex with), I (and they) have demanded exclusivity and rules for the relationship. There have been expectations. This sucks!

Skijouring = skiing with dogs pulling you.

The front door at Elliot’s was at least a foot thick and all sides of it were covered with carpet so cold (and mosquitoes) could not get in through the cracks. And no lock on the door at all.

Nick’s brother-in-law and I did a sauna Sunday night. Naked and high on pot, we had fun. Just talking and sitting around in the hot, hot sauna.

Now I’m getting high and feeling very good, here in Talkeetna at Neil’s. Wonderful people in this little tiny town. Talkeetna is a tourist town with an old hippie feel, like Nederland and the old Ojai and North San Juan (Ca.) and other towns I’ve lived in.

I cleaned Neil’s man-cave house a little (kitchen dishes/countertops and toilet/sink), and otherwise, I’m just relaxing here among (new) friends.

Yesterday I bought two tickets:

1.)     United Airlines from Anchorage to Seattle Aug. 5th (at midnight between the 4th and the 5th), and

2.)     Greyhound from Albuquerque to New Orleans Sept. 2.


On Sexuality (from Wikipedia):

The term pansexuality is used interchangeably with bisexuality, and, similarly, people who identify as bisexual may “feel that gender, biological sex, and sexual orientation should not be a focal point in potential [romantic/sexual] relationships”. In one study analyzing sexual identities, described as alternative terms for bisexual or bi-self labels, “[h]alf of all bisexual and bisexual-identified respondents also chose alternative self-labels such as queer, pansexual, pansensual, polyfidelitous, ambisexual, polysexual, or personalized identities such as ‘byke’ or ‘biphilic'”.

Polysexuality is similar to pansexuality in definition, meaning “encompassing more than one sexuality,” but not necessarily encompassing all sexualities. This is distinct from polyamory, which means more than one sexual relationship at the same time.


Scope and cultural aspects: Polysexuality

Polysexuality is distinct from polyamory, the desire to be intimately involved with more than one person at once, or pansexuality, which is attraction to all genders and sexes. Polysexuality encompasses many, but not necessarily all, sexualities.

Polysexuality is a self-identifying term that is somewhat amorphous, as there is a wide variety of different people who use the term to describe themselves. Polysexual identity is related to gender identity and is used by some people who identify outside the binarist gender spectrum. People who refer to themselves as polysexual may be attracted to transgender people, third gender people, two-spirit people, genderqueer people, plus people who are intersex. However, polysexuality does not have to be the exclusive attraction towards non-binary genders/sexes, though it can be. People who identify as polysexual may still be attracted to one or both binary genders/sexes.



July 3

In a recent Supreme Court decision*, Justice Scalia wrote a dissent in which he said, “The Constitution does not forbid the government to enforce traditional moral and sexual norms.”

(The decision was for gay marriage.)


A few days ago, Wendy Davis, a democratic senator, single mother and lawyer from Texas stood up (no sitting, no leaning) stood for twelve hours on the  floor of the Texas Capitol to filibuster  a very conservative abortion bill that the Texas Republicans wanted to push through. She did it.


From An Unexpected Light (by Jason Elliot): James Elroy Flecker (1885-1915), a diplomat to the Middle East, wrote

We travel not for trafficking alone;

By hotter winds our fiery hearts are fanned:

For lust of knowing what should not be known,

We take the Golden Road to Samarkand.


When I don’t take risks, I miss it. Like Dr. Watson in the new BBC “Sherlock Holmes,” I miss the war.


What is Love? What is the Other?

A meeting of minds. Very congenial. Mutual understanding. Complete peace in the Other’s company.

~~from a novel called The Elegance of the Hedgehogs


I am no longer an ugly duckling. I am a Wild Swan.


Another quote from An Unexpected Light:

…what an extraordinary place of liberties the West really is, and how incomprehensible these liberties seem to those bound to harsher and more traditional ways of life. They have become so fundamental to the Western way of life we think of them as “rights”–the rights to choose one’s own livelihood or partner in life, to criticize one’s politicians, to travel abroad at will, free of restraints or obligations–unthinkable in so many other countries. But if the West is a place of privilege, people suffer differently there, too. Exempt from many of the relentless physical and social obligations necessary in a traditional life for survival, they become spoiled and fragile like overbred dogs; neurotic and prone to a host of emotional crises unknown elsewhere.

(Later, Elliot mentions how the West has redefined the relationship between the sexes. Another positive thing about our society.)


More from The Elegance of the Hedgehog:

Beauty in THIS world.

The always in the never.


July 5

When Anya was a baby, Hank and I left her with the parking lot attendant at the basketball arena, and we went in to a basketball game. We were really stupid.

Closeness without possessiveness is a much better idea, I think, than having a “close” relationship (i.e., in a relationship that includes sex) and putting all sorts of boundaries and borders on it.



Say YES to myself.

No depression. Be happy.

I control my thoughts.

Music is #1.

Roll through everything as if it’s normal.

See everything as normal.

Tao te ching: tantra

“Cheat on him in my mind.” ~~from Raising Hope, TV show (Also: flirting is “selling the dream”)

The darkest hour is just before dawn.

The Divine Marriage (from Hinduism)

Don’t fear taking control.

Help others.

Smile. Stay calm.


I made this comment (not yet approved and posted) on a blog called The Female Version of Aspergers”:

We adult Aspies tend to mistrust parents of child Aspies and “experts” who tell us who we are. Now that we have GRASP (Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnerships: online and face-to-face meetings all over the US and in Canada) and other groups run BY AND FOR adult (and teen) Aspies, we have a group-consciousness and we KNOW we are OK just the way we are. This mother (what’s her name?) who wrote “The Female Version of Aspergers” is pretty good, I think. She’s trying to understand someone (her daughter) who sees things much differently than she does. The only problem here is that she sees us Aspies as having many disabilities. And we Aspies see NTs (non-autistics; Neuro-typicals) as having many disabilities.

I contradicted the author’s view that Aspies lack empathy. We may prefer to not voice our empathy. I believe I express empathy in other, non-verbal ways. We certainly don’t LACK empathy. That is a cruel assessment/judgement that is often made by people (NTs or undiagnosed Aspies) who themselves lack empathy FOR US. They certainly misunderstand us.


  • I love travelling alone.
    Solo travel can give you the freedom to meet new people and get to know yourself at the same time. Would you go it alone or do you prefer to travel with friends?
    Solo travel can give you the freedom to meet new people and get to know yourself at the same time. Would you go it alone or do you prefer to travel with friends?

    From Facebook


    Just watched On The Ice (movie). Filmed in Barrow, Alaska.

    As of March 3, 2009, the town’s website wrote of the population: “The largest city in the North Slope Borough, Barrow has 4,429 residents, of which approximately 61% are Iñupiat Eskimo.