July 12, 2013

July 8

The kids around here learn how to ride show machines, drive boats, fly planes, and lots more. Dog mushing is done in another part of Alaska. Talkeetna is the base camp for Mt. McKinley climbers.

Kayla and Trent call themselves “game-arians” because the only meat they eat is wild game — mostly animals they shoot themselves. They have their meat “dressed” down past Anchorage.

It’s a safe, small, friendly town, and I’d like to spend more time here.

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June 9

The other night Trent made friend rice with moose and shrimp.Fabulous.

Kayla taught me how to use their rice cooker: Use white rice. Wash it twice, dumping out the water both times. Put rice in cooker so it’s about 1/3 full. Put in water to where, when you press rice (and water) down with a flat hand, the water comes to a half-moon about half way up the back of your hand. Cook.

Did I mention Mike London’s wonderful rice with bacon and fiddlehead ferns? Mike had a big bag of frozen fiddleheads that he picked about six weeks ago. Wonderful food! Evenings with Mike were pure pleasure.

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I really like Talkeetna, and, like Ojai, I can come here and camp out (but only in summer: mid- to late-June until about mid-August), free and safely.

Tomorrow I am going to Wasilla. From Wikipedia:

Wasilla is a city in Matanuska-Susitna Borough, United States and the sixth-largest city in Alaska. It is located on the northern point of Cook Inlet in the Matanuska-Susitna Valley of the southcentral part of the state. The city’s population was 7,831 at the 2010 census. Wasilla is the largest city in the borough and a part of the Anchorage metropolitan area, which had an estimated population of 364,701 in 2008.

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I fall in love about every two weeks. Sometimes I think the man MUST BE my Soulmate (not just ANY soulmate; THE Soulmate). I am a little tired of looking for HIM. I have been at this for about 45 years. I would really like to give it up and just say, “Let him find me.” It’s become a burden, a mantle, a shroud, a fixture of my life, an obsession. And it may just be a fantasy.

It’s disturbing sometimes. Yet I know I’ll never give up; I believe he is waiting for me to find him. Maybe he’s just staying put somewhere–being a fixed point, not moving around, while I’m out here on the road, eternally searching for him, touching as many bases as I can. I’m not looking for “home” or for anything else. Just him.

Once I find him, I won’t want to capture him. I need my freedom, and I’m assuming he does, too. I just need that connection. In the flesh. A meeting of minds. Being completely understood. Hasn’t happened yet. Or has it?

With every new love, there’s the hope that I’ve found him. Then, I go away, and it’s over. I’ll never return to his town or his home. No one asks me to return. No one cries for me. No one’s missing me. No one has given me any encouragement or words of even possible love. But maybe it’s not in words. And probably, when we do meet (which we will!), he will be just as confused about what’s happening as I will be.

Every “love” is over as soon as it began. If I weren’t such an optimist and “hopeless” romantic, I’d have given up long, long ago and SETTLED for a nice man who was a good lover and a pleasant companion. Or just gotten what I need (sex and friendship) from whoever I want. But I need the real thing. I am on a quest for The One.

The really funny thing is that, if I do find him, neither one of us may really and truly know it. Only death and sleep bring that certainty (of being with my true love). In this physical life, neither of us may be ready for a physical relationship.

I don’t think I’m ready. I have the first and second chakra problems of possessiveness and jealousy. When I solve these and open my heart chakra, then I will be ready. Sometimes things come before a person thinks they are ready. Babies, for example, come whether or not you think you’re ready.

I pretend everything’s cool, and, in the big picture, it is; everything’s perfect. But I long for him. And it’s becoming more and more intense–not less– as time goes on. It’s such a curse by now that my “problems” (jealousy, possessiveness, and lack of trust) look like Mt. McKinley (20,000′ high)–I have to scale this wall before I can be united with The Beloved, before The Divine Marriage. I know solving my personal weaknesses is the key. “Many Rivers To Cross” (Jimmy Cliff song).

Can’t give up. He could come through the door in the next minute. You never know.

I can do without him; I need to be able to stand alone. But he’s my completion, my literal Other Half, my home, perfect contentment. I don’t want to get to the point where I shun daily life and long for sleep and dreams because life is just not enough (too lonely) without him.

Distractions and forgetting help. Loving everyone with detachment is a balm and perhaps a goal. It all helps. All we can do is wait. With time, all will be revealed.

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July 12

Saw an eagle yesterday when Kate, Eldon and I were going up to Hatcher Pass to hike to Gold Cord Lake. It was a really sacred place up there at the Lake. Some ice was still on the Lake.

Some people have learned to love sharing. Others, like me, are still learning that. What I have is a love for myself and for being good to myself. Soon, I will learn to open my heart to others and be as good to them as I am to myself.

Today I am brewing some cannabis tea and soaking beans to make beans and rice for dinner.

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